This world will break you.

Dear Delilah, 

As I watch you sleep, I can’t help but think about the terrible world around us. Right now you’re so peaceful & safe but I know in time the world will steal your innocence.

Despite my efforts, one day someone will come along & make you feel things you’ve never felt before. You’ll think that they’re the one & then they’ll break your heart. It’s going to hurt, hurt like nothing you’ve experienced before. For a while you won’t want to get out of bed. You’ll live on Netflix & ice cream. As soon as you think your heart is healing you’ll cry yourself to sleep looking at old pictures & reliving the memories that you’ll never get back. I wish I could prepare you for that. Know that it will get better. I know it feels like the end of the world but even on the darkest nights the sun will rise. Remember during this time to love yourself. Find hobbies & spend time with friends, isolation is no good for the broken hearted. 

There will be times in your life that you feel so alone. Times when you feel like no one understands you & you don’t know where to run. I hope you know that you’re never too old to crawl in bed with me when you need to be close to someone.

In your life there will be people who discourage you. Teachers who don’t understand the way you learn, coaches who don’t see your talent, management who doesn’t want you to move forward in your chosen career. Ignore them. You can do anything you set your mind to.

This world will teach you what it means to lose someone you love. It’ll start with a pet & you won’t really understand why your dog is gone. Then one day it’ll be someone you know, someone you see everyday at school. Suddenly you realize that we’re not invincible, that realization is going to consume you, let it. Then live everyday like it’s your last & let everyone you love know how special they are to you.

One day you’ll make a mistake, not coloring out of the lines or spilling your juice but a mistake that makes it hard to look at yourself in the mirror. In the moment you’d do anything to take it back but know that holding onto the past keeps you from moving forward. Your mistakes do not define you, they aren’t who you are. Remember that.

This world will make you question your worth. When the boy you like doesn’t look your way, remember that you’re still beautiful. When you don’t make the soccer team or cheer squad, know that God has given you a special set of skills for a reason & you will discover them. Don’t base your worth on Twitter followers or how many likes your selfie got on Instagram. Love yourself. “In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act.” This world will tell you that you’re too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, too freckly, too pale, too smart, too dumb, etc. Please don’t listen. Growing up I was always “short stuff”. People thought it was funny to run into me & act like it was funny because they “couldn’t see me”. When I hit puberty my breasts started growing & I remember going shopping with my mom for a bra. A lady told me that they don’t make bras my size because it was abnormal for someone to wear a D cup when they were so small around. I felt like a freak. (Turns out the lady was just ignorant on the subject.) You are you for a reason, don’t let others diminish that.

Lastly, one day you will realize that your dad & I are not superheroes. We don’t know the answers to all of your questions. We have made mistakes & unfortunately will keep making them. We’ve been through our fair share of broken hearts, lost friends, self-doubt, & discouragement. There will come a day when we disappoint you. When you realize that we probably shouldn’t be put on that pedestal where you’ve had us placed your whole life. As much as this day will break my heart, it will allow us to bond in a new way. You will view us in a new light as you see that we are human too & we’ve been where you are. We will always be here to listen and give you advice. We are nowhere near perfect but remember that we’re doing the best that we can. 

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The reality of postpartum

Dear Delilah,

‚ÄčThere are plenty of things women know about postpartum struggles; flabby bodies, soreness, breastfeeding issues, etc. I’m here to talk about the things nobody tells you. This blog is not for the faint of heart & it will not be sugar coated. Continue if you dare. 

After 29 hours of labor, in the midst of sweating, crying, pain, & exhaustion, you were laid on my chest. I was terrified because I was so weak I knew that I couldn’t support the weight of a baby even if I tried. My brain screamed “no, I can’t hold her!” but words failed me as my head fell backwards onto the hospital bed. The truth is with all the nurses, your dad, & grandmas standing there, there was no way you were falling but I was too far gone to realize that at the time.

So that was the beginning of the “postpartum” stage.

Shortly, the doctor informed me that I had a second degree vaginal tear. This happens in 50% of women. I somehow thought that it was a less common thing but after pushing a baby out it is completely understandable. So after delivering you, I placed my legs on stirrups while the doctor sewed me back together. We’ll go more into the tear shortly.

Next came the uterus “massages”. What the hell is the definition of a massage?! These are horrible. Basically, nurses shove their fingers into your abdomen & into your freshly emptied uterus to make sure it’s contracting. Every time they did this blood gushed out of me. Disgusting right?

The first several trips to the bathroom were a nightmare. They looked like a murder scene & I was the victim. Not to mention the smell of blood is crippling. Toilet paper is out of the question, especially with a tear because it’ll rip your stitches out. So they give you this little Peri bottle to fill with water & squirt yourself clean.

My first shower was supposed to be great & refreshing, ha. As I walked from the toilet to the shower I left a blood trail behind me. In the shower I scrubbed clean from the blood stains that covered my legs. Then, before I could even step out of the shower or dry off, blood ran all down my legs again. I quickly put on the huge pads they gave me & proceeded to clean my own blood off the bathroom floor & myself.

It’s been a week now & this has gotten easier in terms of the blood flow. But the bathroom routine is still a process. With my second degree tear, using the restroom burns. I mean alcohol in an open wound burns. I lean as far forward as I can to prevent my laceration from getting hit but it never works. I then use the Peri bottle to rinse, pat myself dry, apply soothing ointment with cooling pads, spray myself with duraplast spray, & apply a frozen pad that has been soaked in witch hazel & diluted lavender oil. Can you imagine attempting this in a public bathroom? It’s hard. The doctor has also prescribed me ibuprofen & Tylenol that I take religiously every 8 hours or the pain takes over. They also prescribed me stool softener because pooping is rough. The swelling of the tear has to be the worst part. I tend to waddle around the house & sitting up hurts. I still involuntary gush bodily fluids at times but it’s happening less all the time. 
Did I mention that I’m not allowed to take a bath for 4 weeks? So sad..

My bathroom supplies. 

Everyone knows there are obstacles to overcome with breastfeeding but my goodness there’s a lot. I may write a whole blog about it. Your breasts become engorged (painfully full of milk). They become rock hard & you literally have to massage the knots out of them (Heating pads help). You’ve got to constantly apply lanolin or some type of cream to your nipples because they quickly become raw & will crack, bleed, & scab over. Breastfeeding is a wonderful, beautiful thing but it doesn’t come easy.

Your postpartum body is strange. First off, I was so sore after labor that I discovered muscles I didn’t know I had. Pushing, I was laying on my back, pulling my legs towards my chest, my back & head up, & pushing a baby out. It took a toll on my nonfit body. Also, it’s a huge change going from a firm baby bump to a flabby, loose stomach. I went from feeling pregnant to just feeling fat. Eventually I’ll be able to do something about it but right now I’m still too sore & swollen for that much activity. Your dad constantly tells me how beautiful I am, it really does help. Now the huge pads & mesh panties, not so much. lol 


I thought labor was the hard part of it all then you take home your baby & lose sleep but live happily ever after. That is soo not the case. Nevertheless, I would do it all over again to have you. You, Lilah Bear are so worth it. 

Childbirth is beautiful but there’s nothing pretty about it.

Dear Delilah,

I had a beautiful pregnancy; no morning sickness, no complications, few stretch marks, & average weight gain. But labor was Hell.

(My last belly pic) 

Towards the end of pregnancy many women want to induce their labor, I however was not one of them. I didn’t want to strip my membranes, insert primrose pills vaginally, stimulate my nipples, or eat dates. I wanted you to be ready. I wanted it to be the right time.

Now don’t get me wrong I did some walking & bounced on an exercise ball for a little while but that was more to get through the anxiety I was feeling. I was ready to be done lying in bed for hours every night over thinking every possible scenario.

The truth is, you can’t prepare yourself for childbirth. Trust me, I tried. I took the classes, read the articles, asked the doctors all the right questions but nothing can prepare you for your unique experience.

On your scheduled due date, April 1st, around 1pm I started having minor contractions. Your dad & I were in HEB so we continued to shop. After that we came home & I monitored my contractions for 12 hours before your Granny & Nana got here. Due to all my questioning I knew the doctors did not want to see me until my contractions were 3 minutes apart for 2 hours. Around 4am I was assessed & only dilated 4cm, this wasn’t enough to be admitted so they told me to come back in 2 hours.

We went to IHOP where I continued to have contractions every couple of minutes. The pain wasn’t unbearable but it was enough to keep me from being able to talk or move. At 6am, I was dilated to 6cm so they admitted me, after laboring for 17 hours.

Waitress: “Are you..?”

Me: “Yes. I’m in labor.”

They asked me my plans as far as pain meds & an epidural went, I told them I was winging it. I didn’t want to be set on one thing & let myself down. Once I was crying hysterically through every contraction, I broke & decided to get pain meds administered through my I.V. Within minutes I was knocked out. 

While I’m sure my body needed the break, the medication slowed down my contractions & laboring process. They woke me up with pitocin. This is just liquid pain that makes your body attempt to self destruct.

After 24 hours of laboring, I got an epidural. While most of that decision came from pain, they also promised to step in & get the ball rolling. They broke my water soon after that & I can honestly say the epidural allowed me a little while to breathe & remember what I was doing all of it for. I was able to look at the faces of the people I love around me & see that they were no longer having to cry through each contraction with me.

Then as you were decending, the pain was too low for the epidural to reach. We were in the home stretch. About 5pm, after 28 hours of laboring, it was finally time to push. Movies & Facebook videos can’t express the pain I felt. With your granny on one leg, your Nana on the other, & your dad taking care of me, I began to push. For about an hour I pushed & screamed. I needed an oxygen mask to breathe & they were using an ice pack & a wet towel to try to cool me down between pushing. I thought I was going to die, quite literally & I wanted to. At 5:57pm I heard everyone in the room scream as the midwife pulled you from my aching body. As they laid you on my chest I fell backwards, thinking any moment I would pass out from pain & exhaustion. But the pain subsided & the look in your dad’s eyes some how brought me back. I had done it. After 29 hours, it was over.

I wish someone would have told my terrified pregnant self not to fear the inevitable. Did I poop? Yes, I pooped with every push. I could smell it & I’m sure it was a sight to see. But I was pushing harder than I ever knew I could & I can’t blame my body for emptying out. Did I tear? Yes, I had a second degree vaginal tear. But my body birthed a whole human & I can’t blame it needing a little more space. Did I say things I didn’t mean? Yes, & I choked your dad once.. I’m sore & swollen. Using the bathroom looks like a murder scene (& the smell of blood is crippling), it hurts to sit up, or walk. But I’m healing. This pain is all going to subside & you know what? I look into your little eyes & I see how much I mean to you. One day I’m sure I’ll just be your lame mom, but right now I’m your life source. I’m your warmth & comfort. Your favorite voice & your safe place. Thank you sweet girl for making the pain melt away & bringing so much beauty & light into mine & your daddy’s lives.  

Delilah Rain

7lbs 12 oz

21.5 inches long. 

My favorite adventures

Dear Delilah,

There will be many adventures once we have you, but here are a few of my favorite moments before you came along. 

Ziplinging & doing a ropes course in the Jamaican rainforest.

Attending our first military ball/banquet.


Your dad getting baptized. 

Our first Christmas

Cliff diving in NY

Building our first snowman


Spending our first Halloween together. Peter Pan is my favorite & we made the costume!


Going on a 10 mile hike, it was tiring then but a great memory none the less. 


Visiting NYC, very briefly. 

Attending our first concert together, it was Lee Brice.


Getting a new car! After having Betty White for 6 years & paying her off. 


Spending countless days at the waterfall by our first house. 

Swimming with sea turtles & sting ray in the Cayman Islands


Camping in the Adirondack mountains.


5.5 mile muddy obstacle course. I hated my life in the moment but I’m glad we did it. lol


Our proposal, I should’ve brushed my hair that day.. 


Our first cruise, it won’t be our last!


Visiting Boldt Castle


Margaritas in Mexico, plus all the tequila shots your dad had.


Niagara Falls for our first anniversary. We slept in my car in a McDonalds parking lot & I wouldn’t have had it any other way.


Your dads first time seeing a play, which just so happened to be mine.


Our wedding day, of course!

Not pictured:

Our Toronto Zoo trip. It covers the most acreage of any zoo in the world. I thought I was gonna die from walking but it was amazing. 

Our first dance as husband & wife. It was waiting in line for the Galveston ferry. Cody turned up the music in the truck, came around & opened my door, took my hand, & danced with me right in front of everyone. 

Finding out we were having a baby, of course. Our biggest adventure of all. 

Finding your father

Dear Delilah,

Every story of love is different, but here’s ours. 

Your dad & I went to school together but I was a good kid & he was.. not. lol Sometimes I wish I had known sooner that he was the one. The truth is, I don’t think it would’ve changed anything. We were too different & we weren’t yet the people that God intended us to be when we crossed paths. 

After my first real relationship in high school, I’d kind of given up on finding anything beautiful. The truth is I had never witnessed a healthy relationship so I had no idea what I was looking for. After graduation I started compiling a list of character traits I would demand in a significant other. This kept me from settling for every cute guy I saw. 

He needed to:

  • Love God
  • Love people
  • Communicate
  • Make me laugh
  • Respect his mama
  • Be intelligent

There were more but there’s a few. 

New Years 2015 I ran into your dad at a party that we both kind of got roped into going to. I know you’re probably thinking “Y’all were each others New Years kiss & spent the night together under the stars.” Not at all. Your dad cheesily asked me to “stay & cuddle” after having a different NYE kiss. lol It sounds terrible I know, but he had no way of knowing he was talking to his future wife. 

Although I obviously denied his cuddling proposal, I felt the strangest sense of connection to him. It was the weirdest thing but I knew I couldn’t let that be the end of it, whatever “it” was. 

In the most humble way, guys always made the first move with me so I had no idea what to do so I thought “Facebook.. Duh”. Well we were already Facebook friends. I absolutely could not message him. What in the world would I say? So I deleted him off Facebook & sent him a friend request. Silly, I know. BUT guess who woke up to a message from your father? Got him, hook, line, & sinker. 

By this time he was already heading back to New York where the Army had him stationed so we talked all day & all night while he drove. We talked about our dreams, our fears, our families, our pasts, & our futures. We talked about things we had never told anyone & somehow we knew that we could trust each other. We did this for days. 

What you’ve got to understand Delilah is that through pain you learn to build up walls & I had so many walls up. It terrified me how easily your dad got in. He didn’t slowly break down the walls, he walked straight through them. 

Growing up with a lot of best friends, I always told them everything. But how do you admit to anyone that you think you’re falling in love with someone after a week? It sounds absolutely absurd. 

On day 12 your dad tried to push me away. That took me by surprise because if you knew me as a teenager you would know that I’m the queen of pushing people away. After making it clear that I wasn’t going anywhere your dad broke down & told me that he loved me & he was terrified that these emotions were consuming him. 

Love is scary Delilah. It’s the strongest force we know as human beings & it’s hard to fight it.

So we gave in. Two broken, heart breakers, who feared love & commitment. & it was the best decision we ever made. 

We started officially dating on Feb. 8. We were apart for the first 5 months before finally seeing each other. I can’t explain the way it felt to watch his eyes light up when he talked about things he was passionate about or see his smile. I could finally reach out & touch him, hold his hand, or play with his hair. 

The next time I saw your dad after that, we got engaged & then married the next day. July 17, 2015. I know, we broke all the rules. No big ceremony, no pampering, or bachelorette party. Married after only 6 months of dating but we knew. I can’t explain it but our marriage is the happiest & healthiest marriage I’ve ever seen. We’re partners in all aspects of life. We encourage, comfort, & love each other. We communicate & make one another strive to be the best version of ourselves every single day. I love him Delilah, & I know you will too. 

I’ll write a separate blog to talk about a few of our adventures. Stay tuned.

Learning to girl mom

Dear Delilah,

I always thought you would be a boy. I mean, my first child anyways. I’ve always felt like a “boy mom” & figured my adventures would come with mud, broken bones, & bugs. Don’t take this wrong, I am in no way disappointed. I’m just slightly changing my approach to parenting. I now have to raise you to be a strong, Godly woman in a man’s world. I have to raise you to be a lady but teach you that being a lady doesn’t mean your voice doesn’t matter. 

But on another note, I’m learning all about dresses & bows & headbands. I’m pretty sure I haven’t worn a bow since I was 3. I was raised on dirty fingernails & drinking from the water hose. I swam in the ditches when it rained & rolled my eyes when your Nana wanted me to wear anything but boys athletic shorts. I still wear shorts under every dress I own because I haven’t quite perfected the “sitting like a lady” part. Oops. 

Here are some of my high school friends & I after having a shaving cream fight & jumping in a muddy lake. 

Anyways, I’ve gotten loads of help from friends & family on making sure you’ll be the best dressed baby girl around. You definitely own more dresses, bows, headbands, & shoes than I have in my entire life. I’ve even made some myself! I bought a hot glue gun & I’m pretty sure that’s one of the first steps to being a girl mom. 

I’ve done my makeup the same since I learned how to do it in 8th grade. You wouldn’t believe the amount of things people alter their appearance with these days; drawn on eyebrows, over lined lips, fake freckles, fake eyelashes, etc. Super strange to me but if contouring, highlighting, & winged eyeliner are your passion then I’ll support that 100%. You & your Aunt Kylee can have a field day. 

Also, I’m gonna apologize in advance for your not so cute hair do’s.. I didn’t learn to straighten my hair until I was a teenager & I learned to curl it when I was in college. I can do the basic braid once your hair is long enough but I can’t french braid yet. Who knows, maybe I’ll do the whole youtube tutorial thing & teach myself. 

Dude, I don’t like pink. You don’t have to just because you’re a girl, I mean there are so many other colors. You have plenty of pink stuff so I’m not robbing you of your own choices but please don’t ask me to paint your room pink, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle that. 

Just know that whatever you love, I’ll learn to love. I thought I was made to be a boy mom but God has different plans & I’m so excited to see where this takes us. 

Creating your space

Dear Delilah,

Your nursery is coming along beautifully. I wish I knew what kinds of things you are going to be passionate about so I could decorate accordingly. As your dad & I fill your bookshelf (that he made by the way) with books from our friends & family, I can’t wait to read to you. As we set up the rocking chair, I know we will spend many nights there, holding you close. Your walls are covered with signs made & purchased by people who love you & your dad’s poem to you is framed by your bedside.

Your bedding was handmade by your Aunt Trisha who already loves you so so much. 

Your closet is stocked with more clothes than you’ll ever be able to wear, but you’re guaranteed to be the best dressed baby around. 

& should I even bring up your future shoe addiction? 

Your nursery brings me so much happiness but I can’t wait to make this house a home when you make your big arrival soon.