Does mother know best? 

Dear Delilah, 

I wish I had all the answers. I’m here to tell you a secret; moms don’t really know everything. Don’t worry, I always thought my mom knew it all too. I wish that I always knew how to fix the problem. I wish I knew how to console you when you cry. Everyone else can say “maybe she’s hungry” or “maybe she just needs her mom” but not me. I’m supposed to know what’s wrong because I’m your mother. I’ve been asked “What’s wrong with her?” or “Why is she crying?” Baby girl, I wish I knew.. Am I holding you wrong? Did I eat something that upset you? If you’re crying then maybe I’m not feeding you enough but if you’re spitting up a lot then maybe I’m feeding you too much. Once I’ve done all I can do, I feel helpless. What’s worse is that I know it will never change. There will always be things in your life that I can’t fix. There will always be questions I can’t answer & problems I don’t have the solution to. Just know that as you’re hurting, I am too. After you finally fall asleep after crying, I sit awake & cry too. I don’t know all the answers. I won’t always be able to help you, but I promise that I will always hold you through the pain. I love you through the smiles & I love you through the tears. If nothing else, I hope you remember that I tried & I will never stop trying to be the best, for you. 

Beginning to live

Dear Delilah,

Throughout your life you will develop fears; fight through them. Fears do nothing but hold you back & limit your experiences. 

I have a ridiculous fear that I don’t admit to people often because it sounds silly to even voice it but I think I’m ready to face it head on. 

I fear being a beginner.

Yes, I know it’s ridiculous. Everyone has to go through a beginner stage. I fear that stage. Looking back it’s disappointing the amount of experiences that I’ve missed out on simply because I didn’t want to look like a fool trying something new. 

All my friends in college played soccer. They would ask me to play but there’s no way I’d jump into a pick up game with collegiate soccer players when I’d never even kicked a soccer ball. 

I always wanted to play soccer..

I went to Colorado with a couple friends of mine a few years ago & the opportunity to snowboard came up. I figured they had both been before so I was going to sit out. (Yes, I was really going to skip snowboarding because I thought 2 of my best friends were more advanced.) As soon as I found out that they had never been, I decided to go because we were beginners together. I had a blast.

I don’t know where the fear came from. Perhaps it was from Jr. High when I trained for weeks for brig auditions & was the only one on my team that didn’t make it.. Some of the girls had been dancing their whole lives. Who was I to come in there with no experience & expect to make it? 

& cheer tryouts. I cheered one year for a little league football team but that couldn’t compare to the years of competition cheer the other girls had experienced. 

I never auditioned for anything again.

Until I found theatre & choir that is. I never strayed from the stage, my comfort zone. 

If I let this fear control me then I will never experience new things in life. There are so many things that I dream of doing, things that I want to excel at but I know that I’ve got to push through the first stages. I have to get back up when I fall, & accept that I will fall. 

I’ve decided to make a list of things that I’d like to do in my lifetime.  

  • Learn to play an instrument
  • Practice yoga
  • Plant a garden
  • Go surfing
  • Workout
  • Make art, without words because that’s my comfort zone. (Paint, draw, make pottery)
  • Learn sign language
  • Take up photography
  • Play soccer
  • Cooking/baking
  • Archery
  • Aerial Silks 
  • Styling my hair

Here’s to letting go of an irrational fear & allowing myself to begin.

Delilah, I hope that you never let fear stand in the way of life. Live life to the fullest. Allow yourself to fall but never forget to pick yourself back up. I can’t wait to see the adventures you choose to take on. 

Learning to girl mom

Dear Delilah,

I always thought you would be a boy. I mean, my first child anyways. I’ve always felt like a “boy mom” & figured my adventures would come with mud, broken bones, & bugs. Don’t take this wrong, I am in no way disappointed. I’m just slightly changing my approach to parenting. I now have to raise you to be a strong, Godly woman in a man’s world. I have to raise you to be a lady but teach you that being a lady doesn’t mean your voice doesn’t matter. 

But on another note, I’m learning all about dresses & bows & headbands. I’m pretty sure I haven’t worn a bow since I was 3. I was raised on dirty fingernails & drinking from the water hose. I swam in the ditches when it rained & rolled my eyes when your Nana wanted me to wear anything but boys athletic shorts. I still wear shorts under every dress I own because I haven’t quite perfected the “sitting like a lady” part. Oops. 

Here are some of my high school friends & I after having a shaving cream fight & jumping in a muddy lake. 

Anyways, I’ve gotten loads of help from friends & family on making sure you’ll be the best dressed baby girl around. You definitely own more dresses, bows, headbands, & shoes than I have in my entire life. I’ve even made some myself! I bought a hot glue gun & I’m pretty sure that’s one of the first steps to being a girl mom. 

I’ve done my makeup the same since I learned how to do it in 8th grade. You wouldn’t believe the amount of things people alter their appearance with these days; drawn on eyebrows, over lined lips, fake freckles, fake eyelashes, etc. Super strange to me but if contouring, highlighting, & winged eyeliner are your passion then I’ll support that 100%. You & your Aunt Kylee can have a field day. 

Also, I’m gonna apologize in advance for your not so cute hair do’s.. I didn’t learn to straighten my hair until I was a teenager & I learned to curl it when I was in college. I can do the basic braid once your hair is long enough but I can’t french braid yet. Who knows, maybe I’ll do the whole youtube tutorial thing & teach myself. 

Dude, I don’t like pink. You don’t have to just because you’re a girl, I mean there are so many other colors. You have plenty of pink stuff so I’m not robbing you of your own choices but please don’t ask me to paint your room pink, I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle that. 

Just know that whatever you love, I’ll learn to love. I thought I was made to be a boy mom but God has different plans & I’m so excited to see where this takes us.