Coping without you

I’m angry.  I’m in no way angry at you.  I’m angered by your absence. My anger isn’t an isolated emotion.  Accompanied by sadness,  lonliness, & helplessness,  I’m drowning in emotions that are foreign to me.  When you’re here,  my emotions are at rest. The usual ones remain;  love,  happiness,  relief.  When you’re here I am half of a whole.  I am a player on our team.  In your absense I am incomplete.  I’m expected to be whole & take on the roles of the whole team.  I’m supposed to keep a smile on my face because I’m a military wife. My husband is a hero so how can I be angry with my situation?  “You chose this life”, “you knew what you were signing up for”. Excuse me,  are you trying to comfort me?  After two years of marriage, I’m sleeping alone.  My daughter has the best dad in the world and he can’t even see her. Yes,  I’m angry.  Anger is an emotion I don’t know well. I can cope with being sad.  I can cope with being alone.  How do you justify being angry at a situation instead of a person?  I’ve heard parents of cancer patients break down and say they are just so full of anger.  Not at their child of course,  their child is the victim. Friends & family are just collateral damage.  That’s where I fall,  I’m collateral damage.  My husband is going through life without his wife,  his daughter,  his dogs,  his home.  I’m sure when sick children see their parents angry they often feel like they are at fault. Anger is rarely talked about,  it is rarely explained & perhaps that’s where the problem lies.  Anger is an emotion that is easier to avoid.  But what if we started discussing our anger?  Would there be less children blaming themselves for failed marriages?  Less sick people feeling like burdens? Less soldiers feeling like their wives are upset with them?  I’m not angry with you.  I’m angry without you. Forgive me when my anger comes across wrong. Forgive me when my anger takes the form of a snide comment about you leaving.  I promise I never mean to hurt you. I know you take my words to heart but it’s just bottled up pain, bottled up anger that slowly comes out. I guess now that I think about it, my anger has always taken the form of words.  My heart and soul express themselves through words. What a blessing and a curse.  Your ears are blessed with I love you,  I miss you,  and I could never live without you.  I guess it doesn’t help when the kind words you recieve are followed by “you left” and “I’m alone”. I never say things to be malicious. I don’t forge my words into daggars to wound you.  But it seems that way.. I promise I’ll try to be aware of what I am saying. I promise I will try my best to talk about my anger while reminding you that my anger is in no way directed at you.  I am so proud of the man you have become.  I am mesmerized watching you with Delilah.  I am so thankful for your patience and attentiveness as both a husband and father.  I am extremely proud of your success in your career,  that at 21 years old you are not only excelling but financially supporting a family of 3, plus 2 fur babies.  We’ve purchased our first home & 2 vehicles. Not to mention the discipline and respect the military has instilled in you. Oh man do I have so much love and respect for you.  You are so much more than I ever could have imagined for myself. My heart is bursting with appreciation for you. Without you my heart is angry, but I promise I’ll learn to cope in a way that doesn’t hurt you. I love you Cody Montana. 

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Come Home

When you’re gone it doesn’t feel like living. I fall into a routine. Mindlessly go day to day feeling little. 

I miss your spontaneity. Ice cream runs & late night scrabble. Disney movie nights, midnight coffee. 

I miss your touch. Holding my hand, washing my back. Forehead kisses.  

Our bed feels too spacious.  My voice seems to echo off the walls in our home. 

You breathe life into my world. I’m suffocating without you. Come home.