Never Enough

Dear Delilah, 

I do not promise to be perfect. I will certainly fail you at times. However, I promise to always love you unconditionally. I promise to always remind you that you are wonderful & never let you doubt that you are enough. 

As a child we look to our parents for different things. We look to our mothers for comfort, advice, food to nourish us, sprite & popcicles when we’re sick. We look to our fathers for guidance, strength, wisdom, help building a clubhouse, changing a flat tire. 

I remember growing up with a dad that knew everything. Or at least I thought he did. My dad flew airplanes & he made the best paper airplanes too. He built us a 2 story clubhouse with a super cool loft. My dad wrote beautiful poetry & sang in the church choir. He could design a robot to do anything you could dream of. He was superman. He knew everything. 

I remember the first time I realized my dad didn’t know everything. We were on our way to someones house & we had to stop so my dad could use a payphone because we were lost. I was seriously mindblown at the realization that my dad didn’t know our exact location & how to get where we were going. So silly as an adult but the memory will forever stay with me. 

With years comes wisdom & we look to our fathers for wisdom & truth. Some of those “truths” have burdened me for years. 

At 15, my mom divorced my dad. It’s a long tragic story but it boils down to my dad believing my mom worships Satan & all women are sent to ruin the lives of men. Blah blah blah. I suddenly became the daughter that would one day grow up to be an adulterous whore. It was only a matter of time before I would destroy the happiness of anyone that came close enough. 

After my parents got divorced I stopped dating. For over a year I wouldn’t let guys close to me. The friendzone was safer than the turmoil I would cause them. 

At 16, I had my first real boyfriend. I allowed him in. After a while our relationship became him out with friends while I was left behind. I didn’t mind settling because the last thing I wanted was to upset him. After all, I would eventually become a problem that was too big for him to bear right? 

At 20, my now husband respected my wishes & asked my father for my hand in marriage. My dad warned him to back out. “If you change your mind, I will never mention we had this conversation”. He urged him to avoid a life long commitment with me, someone who would only suck his life dry & leave him miserable & alone. After all, didn’t Eve destroy Adam’s life? My dad is still upset that he wasn’t invited to the wedding. 

At 22, I long for acceptance. I’ve been married for over 2 years & if I so much as forget to take the garbage out on trash day I wait to be scolded by my husband. I married a wonderful patient man who loves me unconditionally but that’s not enough to rewire my hard drive. Maybe I added too much red pepper to our meal or forgot to make the phone call I was supposed to make.. Is that going to be enough to make him realize that I’m no good? I got in a wreck this year & it was my fault. The first thing I did was call my husband to tell him it was my fault. I remember saying “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I’ve learned to apologize for my existence. It takes me months to get up the nerve to voice my opinion on things I know my husband doesn’t want to hear. I ask his approval to buy things even if it’s things we need around the house. I sat in the driveway for 15 minutes tonight waiting on a text from him that gave me permission to go out to eat for dinner. What is wrong with me?! 

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me. I was taught that I could never be the cause for any man’s happiness. I was set up to fail. I spend my life walking on egg shells in fear that I am not capable of bringing light into someone’s life. No matter how “perfect” I am I will never see myself as enough because my first superhero & the first love of my life promised me that I would only destroy anyone who dared love me. 

At 22, my husband tells me every-day that I am enough. I hope one day I will believe it. 

Thank God for the loves of our lives that come along & clean up a mess that is not theirs. Thank God that they pick up the pieces of us that they weren’t responsible for shattering. Thank God for pure unconditional love. Love that says you are more than enough.